all in one

what do you do when you and your boyfriend break up after being together 2 years?
I am at a complete loss

It's so amazing how one person can completely change your life up .. and I'm not talking about the good way!!

The story is long and complicated but accurate and true so could people please comment on this because I want to know everyone's opinions on the matter...

There is a girl who I have known since secondary school for the sake of this blog I will call here Clare which Ironically is the name of her sister I think.

So Clare was one of my close friends best friend, Sarah. Clare and Sarah were best friends as were their boyfriends so they were together all the time, but to Clare everything came second to her boyfriend Robert. They were all best friends, a really close group for a very long time but one day Clare just decides that she no longer wants to be friends with Sarah, for no reason what so ever. She text Sarah saying that they didn't see each other enough and that she was fed up of making all the effort (which wasn't true anyway because Sarah made all the effort and Clare only ever had time for her boyfriend).

So their friendship was over and Sarah became very close friends with me and my friends, we were there for her and took her in and made her one of the group, this was not the easiest of tasks as she is very uptight compared to the laidback aura of my group of friends. But she became a close friend and we all loved her.

She was justifiably angry with Clare for the way that she had been treated. I personally had no quarrels with Clare so would be civil and converse with her, One specific time I was having a conversation with her and Sarah nearly fell out with me for it, she got really mad and accused me of choosing sides! Ridiculous as this was I personally agree that the way that Clare treated Sarah was disgraceful and disgusting so I decided to just avoid Clare to avoid being rude or polite and causing anymore conflict.

The bitchiness between those two continued until one day Clare decided that she wanted to be friends with Sarah again and apologised, shockingly after all the hate they became best friends again and me and my friends took a backseat. I most of all was very angry about this because we had been there for her and as soon as Clare said sorry it seemed that all was forgotten and me and my friends were no longer needed. We felt used!

So this has continued, them being best friends. Then one night I had a big fight with Clare because she implied that I was a shit girlfriend and that I was behaving inappropriately with another guy.. this sounds pathetic but you honestly had to be there to pick up on the malice of it all. So after that I had even more of a problem with her and Sarah, formally one of my best friends sided against me.

After that I didnt talk to Clare and then she started sleeping with my best friend, Richard. Incidently he is also one of my ex boyfriends, he works with me and knowing that I hated her he invited her to our work party, I got mad at him and I couldn't believe that she had even come knowing how much I hate her. We ended up fighting after she had the nerve to tell me that by ignoring her all night I had made it very awkward for her!!

She continued to see my best friend.

On New Years Eve Sarah said that the tension in the group that was caused between me and Clare was too much and she hated the divide so I made an effort to include Clare in my group of friends to make her feel a bit more accepted as apparently she was feeling left out, at this she decided it was appropriate to yell at me in front of a whole pub so i couldn't be bothered after that, I was finished trying with her, she also ruined Sarah's New Years because she decided to run away at midnight and go home and Sarah took it upon herself to chase after her.

They made up because Sarah's a pushover.

A week after that Clare pulled Josh, one of Richard's best friends, Josh is fairly decent although slightly immature but he asked Dan if it was ok first and Richard said it was.

Soon after this Clare apologised to me, simply so that she could try and lodge herself in the group, I accepted this apology so that the group could be a bit more united and less awkward, but I still dislike her - she is an ugly person, I don't mean in looks I mean in personality. I think she is very good at apologising which is a valuble skill but she should look at the situation and possibly behave in a way that doesn't end up warrenting an apology.

Josh and Clare were seeing each other and Clare completely led him on just to drop him and just the other night she pulled Richard again!!
Now I wont pretend to be an expert on men but surely a woman shouldn't switch between men like that and play them like that but even if they do you men shouldn't let her, you should screw each other over like that.

Josh and Richard were set to move in together before this whole incident but then Richard pulled out due to lack of funds and so Josh was already pretty angry about this but then Richard pulled the girl Josh had been seeing and now he is set to never talk to Richard again.

My whole group is pretty much messed up now, Clare seems to be using eveyone she can to try and get roots in our group but she is hurting way to many people.

Josh ---> hates Clare and Richard
Nikki (Josh's best friend, formally threated Clare saying that if she ever hurt Josh she would kill her) ---> hates Clare and Richard
Me ---> always had a lot of hate for Clare and am deffinately not Richards biggest fan at the moment, which is hard as he is my best friend
Rosie ---> hates Clare and not to fond of Richard (her opinion is void as she is a kiss ass and wont be mean to anyone)
Sarah ---> will side with Clare and Richard because she is amazingly messed up (void opinion as she is at uni)
Richard ---> Loves me but treats me horibly because I won't go out with him as I have a boyfriend and only see him as a friend, I have also seen a very ugly side to him, I don't condone his behaviour. I can't be certain if he likes Clare of just likes the attention, he is in denial about pulling her the other night and refuses to see why josh is mad at him.
Clare ---> doesn't like me one bit (she admitted to Nikki that she tried to kiss Richard in front of me to make me jealous, so she is obviously willing to use people) she likes Sarah but i think thats about it, she tries to get on with everyone but as I have explained she has burnt a lot of bridges.

I have probably left out a lot of stuff but it's hard to catch people up when the events are stretched over 2 months.

I should also mention that me and Josh had a bit of a thing so it also looks as if she only goes for guys which I have been with, pathetic!!

Comment this please because I want to hear any opinions - also I promise this isn't bias, it's actually what happened.

Thanks for reading x x x

Dear John

I went to your funeral today, it was such a good send off for you - perfect. Your parents really did you proud.

I havn't cried so much in ages, I'm so angry at you - in the slideshow of all the pictures they had of you in the church you were smiling in every single one, ever since you were a baby - you shouldn't have ended your life in such a split second because you thought it was the only way out.

You should have seen all the people who came, there was the whole ground level of the church filled and the upper level and the overspill room - you were seriously loved Mr!
The music was absolutely perfect, as were the readings.

Your brother Peter did sooo well, he really did. So did your parents - they were so strong I have so much respect for them but I could see how much it was hurting them, they got you spot on as well, its obvious you were close and that they loved you so much.

Mark and Daniel were amazing too - carrying that coffin. There were six of them carrying you John - you big massive, haha joking it was all muscle right .

I went to the burial too - that's when it really hit home, your body was in that box, so deep in the ground. I couldn't believe it. I kept expecting you to jump out of the box and laugh at us all for believing you had really done it. Unrealistic I know but it is the kind of sick joke you'd have enjoyed.

That was the only time i saw your mum break down, at your graveside. It was absolutely crushing, I could see all the pain she was suffering there on her face, it looked like her world had ended. But Peter was a star, holding her hand and supporting her as much as he could - he is amazing John, for someone so young he has such a brilliant attitude, i spoke to him at the reception and he just wanted to talk about all the amazing and funny things you two had done together. He looks exactly like you John, its unbelievable. He has your face and your hair, he walked into the church and i thought it was you, i hoped it was you.

You'd have laughed at us all today, crying over you, you'd have told me to get it together - then I'd probably of hit you.

I can believe that you aren't gone though, there was far to much of you to be contained in that little box - and no John im not calling you fat, I'm refering to your personality, you know how awesome you were and that couldn't be contained not by your body and by your coffin. You best be looking after us all now with all your infinate after-life powers im sure you've aquired.

I think I'm running out of things to say now love which is making me cry because it looks like i will have to say a final goodbye in a minute and im not sure i can yet.

I used to be so scared of death and you always used to tell me that i was being silly and that it was nothing to be afraid of. Well i can at least say now that i am far less scared knowing that you will already be in heaven by the time i get there. I'm booking a guided tour

Well this is it i guess and it is killing me, i will bring this to your grave when i have the chance and say goodbye there in person.

You knew how much I loved you John and i always will, I can honestly say you never did anything to hurt me and you were a great friend.

You'll never be forgotten John
Love always
Alice

xxx

Dear John,

I'm writing to you because I can't think of anything else to do. I feel like everything I'm feeling is trapped inside and I can't find a suitable outlet. I'm sorry this is the best I can do. I wish we could have talked more I can't help but think that if you had proper friends like me and you used to be then this wouldn't have happened. You wouldn't have resorted to this.
I cried last night. The thought of you feeling so alone that you would take your own life. I wish I could have been there for you, all you needed was someone to tell you that everything was going to be ok and that everything wasn't as bad as it seemed. I can't imagine what you must have been going through. Obviously I've heard various versions of the events but I still can't accept it. You were always so happy when I knew you, I remember we were such good friends. I saw you everyday and everyday would be awesome, it was the highlight of my day seeing you.
I loved you so much, it broke my heart when we never hooked up, but I guess it was for the best and I valued our friendship so much!
I can't help but imagine the details, apparently you shot yourself in your house, I can't understand why. I know you, I know you wouldn't have wanted a member of your family to find you. It's so desperate John, it's so beyond a call for help. Did you even think it through? You have hurt so many people by taking your own life. I can't tell you how much you've hurt me.
I was SO lucky to have known you and had you as one of my best friends, I wish we could have maintained that closeness but at the same time I also thank god that we drifted apart as I don't think I could have dealt with it if we had be as close as we once had been.
I'm glad I saw you recently, you were charming as ever and I would have loved to have caught up with you but we were both busy and went our seperate ways, but at least I am left with all the amazing memories I have of you, your hair, your smile, how you walked to my house when you were unhappy that time and how I used to stay on the bus for an extra 3 miles nd then walk home just so I could stay with you a little longer.

I love you John, I will never forget you and would never want to.
I will always have my memories and I hope that where you are now you are happy and not regretting the decision you made to leave us all.

Sleep well and peaceful
All my love
Alice
xxxxxxxxxx

Its been a really long time since iv been on here nd having just ready my previous entries i realise how much my life has changed.
I mean just wow its sooo complicated and so am i - i think i need some serious psycho therapy cus i hav loads of flippin issues.
Why is it i need everyone to like me all th time - theres a disorder which is spot on for me i think its called histrionic personality disorder http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Histrionic_personality theres a link for it if you can be bothered to look it describes me perfectly. I really cant be bothered to write lots and i hav no friends on here so no one even reads it.
Im just another teenage girl who thinks the world revolves around her. I think that my issues r so much more important that anyone elses.
I dont really but thats the stereotype.

It was the night after my mums bday bless her - i bought her some well expensive chanel purfume, lovely daughter that i am! i hav to write this fast cus its complicated and my memory is shit so i probs cant remember half of it (bet the alcohol doesnt help ) ok so me and rosie - tht wud b friend number 3 i think?!? - we went out not expecting to do anything just sit in the pub nd hav a bit of a laff - chill out a bit u know but gilly - friend number 1 - was also out and she had spoke to my bf earlier on tht day and apparently he hadnt been very nice about me so im thinking oh shit what hav i done so i text him and he doesnt text bk but he is textin my best mate - being gilly! so im thinkin wat the fuckin hell cus hes told gilly not to tell me that he has credit! so i went outside and tried to ring him, when he answers i talk to him calmly and ask him what hes sed, comparing it to what gilly had sed and of course him being a guy hes not able to deal with anything to do with emotion so he hangs up on me and im left outside with rosie proper confused and to be honest quite upset! i rang him a couple more times and he alternated between not answering and answering and hangin up... needless to say i was gettin pretty damn pissed off! as if he didnt hav the time to sort things out with me it wud hav taken 5-10mins at most! GOD! MEN! so by now im pretty distraught - like cryin my eyes out outside the pub so then i did a stupid thing (not like throwin myself infront of a car - im not flippin suicidal, men dont hav that much power over me!) i rang one of my best friends (whos a guy) so i bet ur think "wateva its just a mate" but this "mate" is in love with me ... he doesnt LOVE me, hes IN LOVE with me - theres a big difference! well anyway i see him as family and turned to him to talk at which point he invited me and rosie to his mates house where they were havin a bit of a party and drinkin - which sounded reli good at tht point in time! so off we go to this party where we got reli quite drunk and every1 was fussing round me cus i had been crying and rob tries to ring tom so he can give him a proper telling off for the way he was treating me. --- ohh need to back track here.. theres a lil history between me nd rob see i never actually did anything with him cus im not at all attracted to him but we were reli good mates and like i sed he is in love with me! .. well i was kind of a bitch and lead him on a couple of time - he even left his gf for me!?! i know - ouch! im a bitch but i explained to him tht i didnt want a bf nd then i got one and it wasnt him! so he wasnt happy! So yea pretty much i flirted with him all friday nite cus i knew it wud piss off my bf (i knew he wud find out cus he plays footy with all the lads i was with lol)and also i was in such a bad mood i needed an ego boost! so we got drunk walked back to the pub where gilly was - sober i mite add haha, serves her rite for bitchin me off TO MY BF! who the hell does she think she is, just cus she cnt keep a bf she tries to break up me and mine! bitch! yep so we all just hang out in the pub nd rob is pretty much stalkin me and keeps draggin me out to tell me tht if the worst happens and my and my bf break up then he will always be there for me - cute or creepy?! oh and this is important... rosie looooves rob like over the top in love with him and she pulled his best mate rhys alllll nite infront of every1 and then we get bk to robs (we were spose to get a taxi but cancelled it so we cud stay out later!) so back at robs me nd rhys r on the floor and rosie nd rob r in the bed and rob and rosie strt doing it rite there in the bed - CLASSY! rite infront of me and rhys!
i mean i dont mind but how stupid is he - ses he is in love with me and in an attempt to make me jealous sleeps with my best mate rite infront of me - good move (round of applause) he cudnt seriously think tht even if i was single i wud do anything with him after he had done tht with my best friend?!?! oh the stupidity!
and rosie god i was mad at her - not jealous - just mad because she did it rite infront of rhys and it was his best friend!!! bitch!
so rhys is pokin me sayin "can u hear that? listen! listen!" and im thinkin no im asleep i dnt want to listen to tht ta very much so i just gt up and walked out and oh the power i hold... rob jumped off rosie and ran after me and then we had this massive street fight and he was yellin at me and throwin his clothes at me and im sayin u r a twat put them back on!! and then he ran off then ran bk and sed tht he cudnt run away from me and then he sed tht he was in love with me and had tried to get involved in every aspect of my life!! --- thats reaching stalker potential "999 ummm yes hello id like a restraining order please!" lol well eventually it got resolved and we went bk to his and rosie had gone walk abouts so i had to go fetch her - OH i forgot to tell u tht during this whole street outburst thingy it was tipping it down with rain and i was in a nighty - thats it!! nice!
well finally all was resolved and every1 ended up asleep and wen we got up in the morning it wasnt mentioned..at all! it was just nicely forgotten!
so that was friday nite - i swear drama follows me round where ever i go! no joke! its quite cool, im like a walking soap opera!
dont u think its good tho tht i went the whoooole nite with other guys (who love me), completely wasted and during an argument with my bf i managed to stay loyal to him - hey wheres my good gf award??? lol yes friday nite - look how much i wrote! ok signin off now i will write abwt saturday soon but tht will be a whole lot shorter promise xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Alice xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ok so this is just me... Im alice, 17 - reali seriously ur average girl! no joke i am normal - well in my opinion but as its been said before...wat is normal? exactly with everyone having different definitions for the word there is nobody who can define it accurately in a way that suits everyone! So after all tht random chat i will get back to me. i mean i doubt there will be anyone who will want to read this even tho i think my life is interesting doesnt mean anyone else will, i think im just writing this cus i dont reli trust anyone not to judge me if i talked to them about it. and its also a way to escape revision for a subject iv already failed! sounds good huh?! Ok so yea i go to college hav a good group of mates and a big family - it can be good but it can be bloody annoyin! I hav a bf who iv been with for 4weeks today actually - i still havnt decided how much i like him yet but hes nice enuf - just has his bad points, like everyone i guess.?. i love writing i could sit and write for ages about my life and the interesting bits of it but i like feedback and blank pages dont give you that, but then if i talk to my friends sometimes the brutal honesty isnt wat i want to hear! what a predicament! well atm i am failing my as levels which isnt good but i didnt like college so i didnt attend and now im moving colleges so fingers crossed i will do better next year...
Im going to write about my friends now just so it can be understood how they think and behave and please keep in mind that im not exagerating and this is all true!
i will use numbers cus its just nicer that way depending on how long i keep the blog going for i mite strt using names but i dont know! ok....

friend 1
She was my best friend iv know her for my whole life and we were so close all thru primary and secondary school. i dont know wat happened after that but i hav a few ideas.... such as i got a bf and it was the first time i had had one wen she hadnt nd she didnt like the lack of attention so she just strted pulling as many random lads as she cud! it was pathetic and we lost a lot of respect for her, especially wen she got addicted to smokin! after that we went to a party where she met her first long term bf and she lost her virginity to him.... tht relationship lasted 8 months then she cheated on him! so the shaggin and cheating became recognisable traits of hers and she soon go a repulation for being a slag....my best friend everybody - im so proud...not! She hasnt had a bf who she hasnt cheated on since her first long term one and in about a year she has slept with roughly 25 ppl! oh yea i forgot to mention she has just turned 17! its disgusting especially as she rarely uses protection and she is yet to catch an sti! its not fair to the ppl who hav unprotected sex just one time and then get aids! its messed up! so thts pretty much her summed up - i wud love to know your opinions of her so sure comment it!

friend 2
i have only known her like 4 years and she pretty much replaced friend 1, we get on like amazingly well and spent so much time together but i hav recently discovered that she has an alternative life and im not welcome to be involved in it! like a care reli as its pretty much work - and i hav a job ta very much! but anyway she is awesome - completely insane but so inspirational - she makes me laff all the time and is actually the coolest person i know! shame shes always to busy for me and doesnt reli want to hang out and wen we do shes mad at me for something! thing is she tells me shes too busy to hang out and wen i arrange to do something with other ppl and she gets seriously mad at me for not inviting her - and shes spose to be clever surely she shud work out tht im nt gonna do nothing just cus shes not! it sucks cus wen we do hang out we hav sooooo much fun its unreal! but now her and friend 1 r proper close and i just cant be arsed! this one is the prettiest of my friends btw she has a nice figure and lovely blonde hair - bitch lol plus shes amazingly confident cus shes actualy a genius! no joke! well thats about it for her she probably wont come up much in the more recent blogs i write because i havnt seen her a lot recently and im just gonna write about the past week cus it was my holiday and it was actually crazy - seriously! - it made me ill it was tht good!

friend 3
ok the last one im gonna write about cus these r just my closest mates i cnt b bothered to write about everone of my mates! ok so she is amazingly confident and i hav known her since primary school altho i dnt remember! so we go to different colleges and i see her more than i see the other two who go to my college?!!? yea i cant work it out! but anyway she is so much fun nd we hav such a laff plus she practically worships me - im nt kidding i got with her bf and we r still mates?!!?! i know shes awesome nd im a bitch but i had drank half a bottle of vodka so thts my excuse! alrite yea so shocking amount of confidence which i love and i love her to bits shes soooo vibrant! she will come up alot cus i spent the whole week with her and we had such a laff but there r complications with r relationship as u will see! shes probably the next prettiest after em cus she does amazing things with her make up - but she is a tad overweight!

i will write later got to go my bf is here xxxxxxx