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Dear John

I went to your funeral today, it was such a good send off for you - perfect. Your parents really did you proud.

I havn't cried so much in ages, I'm so angry at you - in the slideshow of all the pictures they had of you in the church you were smiling in every single one, ever since you were a baby - you shouldn't have ended your life in such a split second because you thought it was the only way out.

You should have seen all the people who came, there was the whole ground level of the church filled and the upper level and the overspill room - you were seriously loved Mr!
The music was absolutely perfect, as were the readings.

Your brother Peter did sooo well, he really did. So did your parents - they were so strong I have so much respect for them but I could see how much it was hurting them, they got you spot on as well, its obvious you were close and that they loved you so much.

Mark and Daniel were amazing too - carrying that coffin. There were six of them carrying you John - you big massive, haha joking it was all muscle right .

I went to the burial too - that's when it really hit home, your body was in that box, so deep in the ground. I couldn't believe it. I kept expecting you to jump out of the box and laugh at us all for believing you had really done it. Unrealistic I know but it is the kind of sick joke you'd have enjoyed.

That was the only time i saw your mum break down, at your graveside. It was absolutely crushing, I could see all the pain she was suffering there on her face, it looked like her world had ended. But Peter was a star, holding her hand and supporting her as much as he could - he is amazing John, for someone so young he has such a brilliant attitude, i spoke to him at the reception and he just wanted to talk about all the amazing and funny things you two had done together. He looks exactly like you John, its unbelievable. He has your face and your hair, he walked into the church and i thought it was you, i hoped it was you.

You'd have laughed at us all today, crying over you, you'd have told me to get it together - then I'd probably of hit you.

I can believe that you aren't gone though, there was far to much of you to be contained in that little box - and no John im not calling you fat, I'm refering to your personality, you know how awesome you were and that couldn't be contained not by your body and by your coffin. You best be looking after us all now with all your infinate after-life powers im sure you've aquired.

I think I'm running out of things to say now love which is making me cry because it looks like i will have to say a final goodbye in a minute and im not sure i can yet.

I used to be so scared of death and you always used to tell me that i was being silly and that it was nothing to be afraid of. Well i can at least say now that i am far less scared knowing that you will already be in heaven by the time i get there. I'm booking a guided tour

Well this is it i guess and it is killing me, i will bring this to your grave when i have the chance and say goodbye there in person.

You knew how much I loved you John and i always will, I can honestly say you never did anything to hurt me and you were a great friend.

You'll never be forgotten John
Love always
Alice

xxx